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New Year in the Elan Valley

I embraced death
I understood the cycle
I lived with cycles
Death, a door
Door, a transition
Transition, an end
End was a beginning 
I accepted this
I learned you can die
Even when you are alive
Blowing away in ruthlessness
Burning in lies
Freezing in merciless spite
I learn what is accepting
Like nature
Just how it was
Death like life
A part of us
Our divine
And you can die
Even when you are alive….

I never thought I would find out what love truly was during my calm and peaceful life in Elan Valley. I would wake up with the bright light of the sun, the birds telling their songs. After morning tea, go for a walk, sometimes along the river, sometimes on top of the hills, sometimes to the forest, sometimes on the road to the internet point… I bring food for the birds and squirrels who accompany me during my walk. One of my pathways was covered with dead blackberries and nettles. The nettles which burn everyone only itch my skin a tiny bit. The nettles heal my shingles. But the season is wrong for nettles or blackberries.

I was surprised when I saw, for the first time, the raven standing in the cottage garden when I returned from my walk.  As if she was sitting there, waiting for me to arrive. She didn’t move or fly away. It’s like the raven simply waited for me, is it possible? I went to the house but the raven didn’t move. So I got some bread and spread it on the grass. The raven didn’t move. I remember in ancient days ravens symbolise the Goddess, especially when men go to war, the Goddesses takes the form of a raven in order to accompany them and not leave their sides. I smiled. If she comes to my cottage, she is more than welcome… The Goddess is watching me and hearing me… So I said “Thank you. Thank you for everything” After I finished my words the raven flew away. 

One of my British friend said that I’m mad like a frog in the box… I like this explanation.  After decades pushing myself to fit in (even though I don’t know what is expected) nowadays I’m accepting who I am… And yes, I’m talking with animals a lot…  By the way, another friend from Turkey wrote to me and said: I read your blog and you are talking with animals; it’s not a problem, but when they start talking back thin you should be worried about yourself and go to the psychologist. I enjoy it when they are around me. I have a squirrel and small birds in the garden. I have a Raven every morning and sometimes he pecks my window.  My neighbour’s farm dog visits me very often. Sometimes he is looking through my window. On the cold days, sheep follow me asking for food. I used to live with spiders, but not so many these days. 

It is mid-December and my son came to stay with me. In the last four years, we weren’t able to celebrate
the New Year. In Turkey, we haven’t got Christmas. I learned everything about Christmas after I came to the UK. The name is not important. I have a big problem with special days, even when I was a child. Religious or secular, even my birthday, they all make me anxious. I always tried to ignore these days but it’s impossible… Then, a couple of years ago, I accepted reality and tried to make peace with these days.

When my son came to my routine change a bit. I stayed up late, reading books and listening to music, sometimes I did my art. I slept around 5am and got up at noon. Sometimes we walked. I only learned it was Christmas Day when Andy called… Because I haven’t got a TV, radio, internet, phone, nothing alerted me. No Christmas songs, no colourful shopping, nothing… And it was the same for the new year.  

I had a peaceful and calm new year with my son. In the first time in my life, I was able to ignore New year without pushing myself… If you live in the middle of the valley without anything around you, if you have no electronic gadget for communication and news, nothing triggers you to celebrate. It was wonderful.

My son Ege and I cooked the food we missed most, read our books, listen to music, and sometimes talked. I tried a paint pouring technique for the first time in my life. I enjoy it a lot. My hands, face, and dress became covered in paint, so much fun.  It was a gift for me. This new year came very peacefully, I hope all years would be like that… 

2020 was a very interesting year for me. As if I died and was to be reincarnated again.  At the end, I understand that my true nature is not to be some ideal that I have to live up to. It’s ok to be who I am right now, and that’s what I can make friends with and celebrate. I learned it’s about finding my own true nature and speaking and acting from that. Whatever our quality is, that’s our wealth and our beauty, that’s what other people respond to…. I’m not perfect, but I’m real…

The sun would rise
When I open my eyes
Covering my room
Saying good morning
The rainbow was there
I would first drink up the yellow
Then play with an orange
Breath with blue
Wink at green
Have my bath with purple
Before playing with the rainbow
Before hugging the sun
I cannot start the day
In Elan Valley


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