I had guests

So many people 

Living in the city

Many sulky faces

Many in a hurry

So many people

Living in the city

Sick, in pain

Unhappy and sad

Living in the city

So far from me

Scaring me

Making me want to run away

So many people living in the city

When I lived in the city I was green and didn’t understand how quickly broken love could turn into hatred and spite. Carrying love is easy when the love is reciprocal, but to be truly strong and carry the power of love, it is helpful to understand the pain of rejected love. This was my experience as if for some, their love is overwhelmed by pride, arrogance, and ego sacrificed for the need to preserve their most fearful self.

It was before the second lockdown and I had a couple of guests staying. First Filiz and her art psychotherapist friend Patrick came walking with me. It was a very nice day. The weather was not cold, the wind was not there. We start walking from the longhouse and followed the river Claerwen until the path finished. Walking near the river makes me calm. I have a lovely place near this path, where I go to rest, sit, meditate and sometimes dance. It was so nice for me to have some company for a change. 

My other guests were my magical friends Plaxy and her family. We walked to Doly y Mynach on the River Clearwen. I love this dam as if it is from a different era. We walked, we sang a song, we ate together, and we shared every moment with love and peace. As if we were in a bubble which did not belong there, perfectly happy.

My last guess was a bit different from the others. First of all, I never invited them although I knew sometimes they visited here, I hoped they would not come but they did. My guest is a bat.  I was sitting in the living room with Filiz and suddenly something appeared in the room and it was flying all around. I was shocked, I thought my guest is a bit hungry because he was going directly to the kitchen. I was glad I had read the house introduction which explained this might happen although I didn’t get it for the first few seconds. I closed the kitchen door, turned the light off and opened the window and waited. After 10 minutes sadly nothing happened.  I started talking to him from behind the door. I said that I’m not used to bats and I feel anxious, “it would be very nice for us if you go out and not come again.” It worked. After 2-3 minutes, he wasn’t there. It was a huge relief. Because of my anxiety, I wasn’t able to see my guest properly.  I only remember something flying so fast around me worried he will attack me. I had to remind myself ‘we are not in Hitchcock films “Birds”. It’s a small bat.

When he was gone it was a big relief for me, however, it seems this small bat likes to come to my cottage because he visited me three more times. But after the first time, I got used to my guest. When he is visiting me, the first thing I have to do is close the door so he cannot go upstairs. Second I close the bathroom door because I can’t reach the bathroom window. I then turn the light off, open the front door and the window and sit down and talk to him. Although I got used to that, the last time he visited me it was 3 o’clock in the morning. I had to admit it wasn’t really nice for me. 

I woke up to some weird noise, although noises are normal in this cottage this one was strange. I thought ‘I hope it isn’t the bat’. I went to downstairs and I was right, the bat was flying all around the room. I got a bit angry, in the middle of the night, I started shouting to bat than I calmed down and spoke to him with my normal voice. I’m glad it didn’t take too long. He went out in 5 minutes… This time I was able to see him better but again I couldn’t look at anything properly because he never stopped. I discovered that when I turn the outside light then later a small bat would appear in my living room. So I decided to not use my outside light even when I needed it.  After his latest visit, he hasn’t come yet but and we will see.

At the beginning of December, the first snow arrived. It was afternoon, I was painting when I saw it was snowing. I stopped for a while, watching from behind my window, but I felt such a strong desire to go out.  I put on my waterproof trousers and coat and went out to walk under the snow. When I was walking, I remembered when I was young how I enjoyed the snow as a child.  I didn’t remember how a lost my connection with the snow. Last decade I didn’t feel anything about snow. I was indifferent about it. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t want to go out… I didn’t realise how my relationship was broken. Why didn’t I feel anything about the snow? I don’t know how I reconnected again. It was so nice walking in the snow like a child and feeling that childish happiness again. 

I don’t think love looks the same every time, it can come in so many forms. The snow fed my heart and because the air is so crisp every breath feels full of life. I became aware that before Elan Valley my life was a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

I am thankful for the snow bringing light all around. I’m so grateful to be here. I left a place where hope and fear maintain eternal strife. I learned loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with nature and being in the moment. I feel contact with nature is the secret to happiness and finding yourself.