I was enchanted...

This is time on my own.

This is an adventure.

I’m living in another world,

In the world of nature…

Success or failure means nothing

I’m living without any demands on me,

I’ve got all my skills,

I’ve got all my energy,

I’m relaxed,

It doesn’t matter

whether I win or lose...

Able to live without critical voices...

I’m alone… My new home… In nature…

Everybody left but I didn’t feel sad. I’m alone... I don’t have to do anything… Without “have to” or “should do” I don’t know how I'll live… After everybody had gone, I cleaned and tidied up the house. I’m alone… I listened to the radio but after one hour even the radio was too much for me. I turned it off.… I made a cup of tea… It was very unusual for me because I don’t like coffee or tea but I really wanted to drink a cup of tea while listening to the voice of the wood burner. I felt fantastic. I was free to be confused and be no one...

I was enchanted. I’m alone… I adore my new cottage, of course, but here was something entirely different, where a little effort on foot rewards you with hills, trees, rivers… I’m obsessed with Wales, I crave this lifestyle. There is a feeling that I can hardly put into articulate… Something about the feeling that time is running out; that it’s now or never…

This was the moment I realised that it was necessary to rediscover my authentic self. The world was going to give me permission to be on my own for a while. I hope I’m not wrong about myself. I can handle everything here alone. No matter. I’m alone… I’m here... I’m breathing the air, and it smells of white musk, orange, and peace…

The sun rests behind the clouds and does not show her light generously. The sky turns dark grey. I was willing to be here when it wasn’t quite perfect yet. I’m alone... I’m easily upset and frustrated with my new routine or sudden changes to my schedule, like my guest couldn't come here because she is very ill … I got a bit frustrated but I’m learning to adapt and to cope with the adjustments. It’s very useful and helpful to adapt but not easy. I handled today very well but I urged myself to create my practical routines. There is perfect comfort for people with Autism in knowing what will come next; routines are very important in providing a sense of security. My rules always kept me safe. On this day I’m sitting in front of the window. The grey clouds had begun to break up... I’m hearing the birds… The birds are on the tree.. I put bread in front of the window for the birds… Maybe crows will come to my window, who knows….

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to connect with the other world… Every day I’m waking up at the
same time. I open the window and door for fresh air. Then I light the wood burner and Rayburn. I hoover and clean the kitchen and living room. That takes me over an hour. I clean upstairs twice a week. When everything is clean in the cottage then I can relax.

I’ve only been for one walk… However, I walk every day in Cardiff. I don’t want to go out. My memories are kicking…. I am full of memories wanting to come out. I’m so tired of my past. I have to break free from my past… I must drop it all. When my past falls away, I’m in touch with my core. I’m in touch with reality. I’m very well aware that loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with my core.

I woke up, everywhere is white… Snow… I miss snow… Not too much snow but everywhere is covered white… I don’t know if my road is closed or not. Actually, I don’t care… I spent all day in my cottage… The weather is getting cold and my wood store is dwindling… I know I have enough but enough is not enough for my obsessive brain. For me, everything needs to be more in case of an emergency… It’s really hard for me to be rational in this kind of situation. I easily feel unsafe… When I feel unsafe then my anxiety starts and headache and nausea... It's hard for me to calm down. But I’m so thankful for those who work for the Elan Valley Project and the Visitor Centre. They always make my life very easy here… Especially Beth… Because of their attitude and their support, I have never had any discomfort. I have never felt any fear here.

I need to feel a blast of fresh air. I need to walk but not too far. I haven’t had any internet connection for the last three days. I have to check my messages but I don't want to… I’m worried about Pınar… She is constantly on my mind today. I decided to walk up the hill… I took the path up the hill and continued until the top… The wind started singing in my ears. The path is intersected by the other at the top of the opposite valley on the left. I know this path because we walked there with Andy. I feel comfortable… When I heard bip bip bip… I remember this point has a mobile signal… I had WhatsApp messages, I had an email, Facebook, twitter, Instagram messages... I looked at them, it was too much for me at that moment… I felt I can’t handle them… I felt a surge of anxiety… Two voices started an argument in my head… You have to answer them. You must always answer people's messages as quickly as possible… I didn’t want to… It didn’t take too much… I didn’t want to allow myself to argue with myself… I wanted to stay in a peaceful and calm mindset. It’s too much. I hate the internet… I hate social media… They make me anxious… I took a deep breath. I only called Pınar and Andy. I wrote messages to my next guest and that’s it. I walked away as fast as I could. Maybe it's the first time when I was able to ignore messages for a couple of days…

I had a guest. Beth... I like having her here. When I met her for the first time, I immediately warmed up to her. She is lovely, kind and trustworthy. Sometimes it is nice to see people. I discovered that I can easily become a wild woman who lives alone, talks to animals, and doesn't care about humanity.

I’m so busy editing the photos which Andy and I took. Especially trees… Changing photos and creating a totally different view… I love it… When I’m focusing on photos then I forget about eating, hours passing, reality… I hope at the end of my fellowship I’ll have exhibitions here… Everybody is asking me how I feel after twelve days here… I’m so happy…

Today is the last day alone for me. Tomorrow Filiz is coming… She is my first guest. I’ll meet her in the Visitor Centre and the new chapter will start… I’m excited...

I sit down quietly

In the dark of the night

Listen to all the sounds around me

Wind, wood burner, rain,

I don’t focus on any one sound

I try to hear them all

When my senses are unclogged

I become connected to all in nature...

Comments

I thought it was Menopause but it was Autism...

My feelings are knotted... Lost, eluding me always chasing them to understand, not able to catch up. The darkness I can’t tell... sometimes I drowned, I tire of running away. Living in turmoil... sometimes you enjoy, sometimes you fade away to sound... with sound... to words… with words... In all of this emotional turmoil, I noticed that I had put on weight, despite intermittent fasting and not eating more than usual and walking everyday. I started to swell constantly and had hot flashes. Suddenly, I was burning hot and sweating as if I had a shower. And my periods were starting to get delayed. It was the beginning of menopause. The menopause knocked on my door in the most complicated period of my life. It coincided with the news that in Turkey, farcical indictments had been brought demanding life sentences for 16 civil society leaders, including myself, in connection with the 2013 Gezi Park protests. This is an ongoing process. I...

Hiding myself...

No straight promises No straight love No straight path No straight art There’s no path in life When walls block the way You break through these walls Scramble through the woods When you find your path You can understand Only your passion leads you In this cold rabbit hole In these Covid-19 days when everyone must stay at home, I am staying in Leamington. Early in lockdown, I felt hot and cold all over because I caught the coronavirus. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to overcome it without developing heavy symptoms or requiring hospitalisation. Although weeks have passed, I still feel tired and sluggish. It was a great shock for me to return to the real, hard-hearted world after peaceful Elan Valley, where I lived for two months in a happy dream with mindful self-compassion, and this shock later turned into a nightmare. It was very hard for me to understand how some people have a soul darker than a starless night. It make...

Dance with catastrophe

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After Wales...

Between trees hundreds of years old I was searching for my past at the top of the mountain. Within the shades of greens asking the rivers watering the meadows. Speaking with lotus flowers lying on the river bed I touched the rocks trying to understand what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Torrents fell from my eyes I thrust my head into the clouds confused, unable to breathe… not knowing what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales. Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day… However, in...

New Year in the Elan Valley

I embraced death I understood the cycle I lived with cycles Death, a door Door, a transition Transition, an end End was a beginning I accepted this I learned you can die Even when you are alive Blowing away in ruthlessness Burning in lies Freezing in merciless spite I learn what is accepting Like nature Just how it was Death like life A part of us Our divine And you can die Even when you are alive…. I never thought I would find out what love truly was during my calm and peaceful life in Elan Valley. I would wake up with the bright light of the sun, the birds telling their songs. After morning tea, go for a walk, sometimes along the river, sometimes on top of the hills, sometimes to the forest, sometimes on the road to the internet point… I bring food for the birds and squirrels who accompany me during my walk. One of my pathways was covered with dead blackberries and nettles. The nettles which burn everyone only itch my skin a tiny bit. The nettles heal my shingles. But the season...

Last Month in Elan Valley

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With Zehra...

I’m not a little girl who used to love walking, I'm not a little girl who beats the wind in the mountain. I'm not a little girl who easily cries I'm not a little girl whose colourful dreams were shattered... I try not to remember The weight of all your words I carry in my mind Zehra was my second guest. She is a kurdish painter who spent more than 2 years in jail in Turkey. I was a bit anxious because I didn’t know her personally before she came here. One week together, one to one… I haven’t got a car so we picked her up on Saturday night from Llanidloes with Filiz. Filiz went back to Swansea on Sunday and Sunday could have been my alone day… I have to clean the whole cottage and cook for my guest and enjoy it a bit by myself. But this Sunday I was with Zehra. I woke up a bit early and I didn’t want to wake her up. I made the fire first, then started cleaning. Zehra had woken up now and on seeing me busy said “Why didn't you wake me ...

I could hear the Elan Valley calling for me...

Once you become alienated from your surroundings, slowly you’d become more introverted. You’d start searching for your desire to belong in Nature; starting on the mountains, spreading to the meadows, branching out the trees, and becoming a bridge between the melody of the culture you were not born to and yourself. Nature determines the belonging on behalf of you and you take sanctuary in your new culture: not upsetting you; not betraying your trust; not making any surprises. From then on, to belong would mean rhythm, and finds oneself in nature. When you can't find words, you learn the language of Nature. The wind, mountains, rain, land… Everything started on Facebook. One night I was checking my Facebook page and one of my friends had shared information about the Elan Valley fellowship. Normally if it is some application there I always ignore it. It doesn’t matter what it is. But when I read about the fellowship and saw Elan Valley picture in spite of myself...

MELTEM ARIKAN

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