Meltem Arikan

I long to reach myself but I touch an invisible glass wall made of broken pieces I can’t connect with me I’m losing the ability to name what is real for me I have forgotten to notice birdsong I can hear the song of every individual bird  While I’m living in Elan Valley
Andy was driving from Leamington to Elan Valley with me. I had car sickness because of too much excitement. I wanted to talk nonstop but I knew I was repeating myself. This excitement is too much for me to handle. For the first time in my life, I will be able to live in a cottage by myself in the middle of nowhere in Wales. We were not only driving to Elan Valley, but we were also driving into my dream. A dream for which I had waited so long…

The weather is very pleasing. All the clouds in the sky were making art shows and celebrating my journey. Blue, white, grey, they were following us and changing their shape… The wind there, there to blow us gently along… And the sun joined my happiness with her playful light.

I wasn’t abl…

My feeling is clear in my inside ragged on the outside I  see only the clear I  see to the heart  of essence I see only clear  I  lose myself easily  I force myself to clean disturbing memories  with the whisper of nature I want to... I need to... I'm ready to...
I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a sense of security.

I’m very aware that in the Elan Valley not ev…

Where do I belong? Looking at  the reflection of my silent face in the mirror not able to hear the answers in my silent tears I asked myself a thousand times at the top of the mountains in the shadows of the trees in the eyes of my mother between the sentences of my father   I asked myself a thousand times Where do I belong? to the village, I was born? to the hills, I ran? to the obscurity inside my genes? I asked myself a thousand times I couldn’t get a reply I ripped and threw out my heart erased my emotions Hanging in the air.
I could never belong anywhere. The problem wasn't just about the country of my birth, I couldn’t belong to the culture I grew up in. I didn’t belong to my family. I never felt I belonged to a group of friends. I imagined that if I could feel connected or that I belonged somewhere, then everything would be solved.

I accepted that I couldn’t be an alien as I got older, but I was sure I couldn't be an earthling either. I felt myself trapped inside a cocoon woven of my un…