Between trees hundreds of years old
I was searching for my past
at the top of the mountain.
Within the shades of greens
asking the rivers
watering the meadows.
Speaking with lotus flowers
lying on the river bed
I touched the rocks
trying to understand what I missed.
I’m hurt inside
by the wind carrying my past
Torrents fell from my eyes
I thrust my head into the clouds
confused, unable to breathe…
not knowing what I missed.
I’m hurt inside
by the wind carrying my past
Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales.
Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day…
In Turkey, an indictment against 16 people, including me, was issued on February 20, 2019. We are facing a life sentence because of our play Mi Minör. Because of this absurd accusation, I feel that Wales is protecting us again.
I arrived in Wales as an exile. When I dreamed of living in Wales, I had never imagined my arrival in Cardiff to be like this, with all my insecurities packed in a single suitcase, and since then, my life has become more absurd than my play. A life stranger than fiction! Everything was left behind: my belongings, my banned novel, all my published books, the less tangible parts of my life, my fights, my speeches, the accusations, the harassment, the threats... I left everything, perhaps even myself, or that version of myself.
But as soon as I stepped from Cardiff station, something clicked. For the first time in my life, despite all the difficulties, I had a sense of peace and a strong connection with Wales. I didn’t know how to deal with this belonging and peaceful state of mind.
But as soon as I stepped from Cardiff station, something clicked. For the first time in my life, despite all the difficulties, I had a sense of peace and a strong connection with Wales. I didn’t know how to deal with this belonging and peaceful state of mind.
I got married during this time when I was desperately trying to find answers to all my questions. In the month of our marriage, I learned my husband had brain cancer. Surgeries, chemotherapies, radiotherapies... Unfortunately, in a year, I lost him. This was a huge turning point in my life. I lost my husband. I lost my trust in people. I lost my savings to pay for his care. I lost everything.
I had to confront the fact that the person I had put at the centre of my life for thirty years, whom I valued more than anything, somebody whose every word I trusted unconditionally, was actually a narcissistic manipulator.
I started walking to survive, to not lose my mind. I walked the mountains, the coastal paths, fields, forests, and parks. I walked for six hours, days, and months…. I walked and walked everywhere, not only in Cardiff, north Wales, mid-Wales, and south Wales.
As I walked, I stared at the facts that had led me to this suicidal point in my life. As I walked in nature, I realised I had assumed the identity of the country and culture I was born into, whilst all at sea amongst people I could never understand. Despite all my reflection and attempts to make sense of everything, including myself, the answers eluded me, and the question of who I am remains increasingly unknown.
Nature is a healing power for me. While walking, my thoughts ramble, but here's a selection. Long-distance walking like this is a bit crazy because it's quite painful walking 25 miles... It's giving me a strong mind, it keeps my body working so I can look forward to many more years of activity, it is in the essence of freedom. I understand that what you do is painful in parts and requires huge determination, a sense of purpose, and commitment to the task. But pain is not the problem, not living a meaningful life and being petty yourself is the real problem...
In those days, a director told me that “I’m seeing you are changing day by day. “What is going on in your mind when you are walking? I’m so interested in it, and I want to play about it. He was right, these walks had a big transformation inside me. I had discovered a way to live as a woman who had learned to accept herself, rather than a shattered woman.Wales wrapped me, hugged me, talked to me like a mother during the most difficult time in my life. For this reason, I wrote my play; Y Brain / Kargalar (Crows), which is written in Welsh and Turkish. It describes my story, the place this land has in my life and how it transformed me.
I was in such a schizophrenic situation that I represented this internal struggle with two parts, which I explore openly in this play. These two parts are sometimes alien to each other, sometimes hostile, sometimes understanding and sometimes accusative of one another. I was caught between the two, stunned, bewildered, trying to figure out which one I am. The play shows the drama going on in my mind. And being in Wales was my only advantage; it helped me to disintegrate and reform because I could be nobody here.
You’ve always wanted to reach out for more
You were always restricted
You’ve always accepted being restricted
You’ve always wanted to reach out for more
Out of yourself
to the depths of your feelings
to the depths of your perception
to reach your edges
Yet you were always shy
You’ve always wanted to reach out for more
You’ve always been restricted
You’ve always accepted being restricted.
Before coming to Wales
You’ve always wanted to reach out for more
You’ve never reached out for more
I’ve always wanted to reach out for more
And now in Wales
You are the one that allows it
To reach the end.
In Wales with Wales
Reaching to the depths of my feelings
Revealing all my fragility
Chasing the traces of my DNA
Allowing yourself
To reach out for more
You’ve always wanted to reach out for more
You were always restricted
You’ve always accepted being restricted
Now, together, we can reach the end
If we can be one.
Comments
Mirtes.