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I thought it was Menopause but it was Autism...

My feelings are knotted... Lost, eluding me always chasing them to understand,  not able to catch up. The darkness I can’t tell... sometimes I drowned,   I tire of running away. Living in turmoil... sometimes you enjoy, sometimes you fade away to sound... with sound... to words… with words...
In all of this emotional turmoil, I noticed that I had put on weight, despite intermittent fasting and not eating more than usual and walking everyday. I started to swell constantly and had hot flashes. Suddenly, I was burning hot and sweating as if I had a shower. And my periods were starting to get delayed. It was the beginning of menopause. The menopause knocked on my door in the most complicated period of my life. It coincided with the news that in Turkey, farcical indictments had been brought demanding life sentences for 16 civil society leaders, including myself, in connection with the 2013 Gezi Park protests. This is an ongoing process.

I was handling the hot flashes but I had often heard other women t…
Recent posts

I was enchanted...

This is time on my own.  This is an adventure.  I’m living in another world, In the world of nature… Success or failure means nothing  I’m living without any demands on me, I’ve got all my skills, I’ve got all my energy, I’m relaxed, It doesn’t matter whether I win or lose... Able to live without critical voices... 

I’m alone… My new home… In nature…

Everybody left but I didn’t feel sad. I’m alone... I don’t have to do anything… Without “have to” or “should do” I don’t know how I'll live… After everybody had gone, I cleaned and tidied up the house. I’m alone…  I listened to the radio but after one hour even the radio was too much for me. I turned it off.… I made a cup of tea… It was very unusual for me because I don’t like coffee or tea but I really wanted to drink a cup of tea while listening to the voice of the wood burner. I felt fantastic. I was free to be confused and be no one...

I was enchanted. I’m alone… I adore my new cottage, of course, but here was something entirely different, w…

First Week...

I’m ok... You are ok... Love me, look at me, value me, attend to me, On being boss, on having power, on winning the race I don’t feed myself on that… If I feed myself on others... If I am nourishing material.. I know I’ve lost my soul…
I haven’t lost any of my excitement while I’m living in Elan Valley. Everything is so new but at the same time, everything reminds me of my childhood. The smell of burning wood, the cold bathroom, buckets in the bathroom, the ‘voices’ coming from the wood burner. Silence and the sound of the radio which we bought had a couple of days ago…

I was born in a house with a wood burner but after three years we moved into a flat which had central heating and a shower. But my dad, uncle, and their aunt lived in Keçiöğren when I was a child.
Keçiören was a village far from the city centre. People there live in a cottage or in small apartment buildings with a maximum of three floors. They have big gardens with different fruit trees, vegetables, chicken, geese… L…

After Wales...

Between trees hundreds of years old I was searching for my past  at the top of the mountain.  Within the shades of greens asking the rivers  watering the meadows. Speaking with lotus flowers lying on the river bed I  touched the rocks trying to understand what I missed.  I’m  hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Torrents fell from my eyes I thrust my head into the clouds confused, unable to breathe… not knowing what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past
Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales.
Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day…
However, in the space of one night, I had to leave Turkey abruptly for my own safety. I had written an absurd p…

Arriving at Elan Valley...

I long to reach myself but I touch an invisible glass wall made of broken pieces I can’t connect with me I’m losing the ability to name what is real for me I have forgotten to notice birdsong I can hear the song of every individual bird  While I’m living in Elan Valley
Andy was driving from Leamington to Elan Valley with me. I had car sickness because of too much excitement. I wanted to talk nonstop but I knew I was repeating myself. This excitement is too much for me to handle. For the first time in my life, I will be able to live in a cottage by myself in the middle of nowhere in Wales. We were not only driving to Elan Valley, but we were also driving into my dream. A dream for which I had waited so long…

The weather is very pleasing. All the clouds in the sky were making art shows and celebrating my journey. Blue, white, grey, they were following us and changing their shape… The wind there, there to blow us gently along… And the sun joined my happiness with her playful light.

I wasn’t abl…

Just before go to Elan Valley...

My feeling is clear in my inside ragged on the outside I  see only the clear I  see to the heart  of essence I see only clear  I  lose myself easily  I force myself to clean disturbing memories  with the whisper of nature I want to... I need to... I'm ready to...
I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a sense of security.

I’m very aware that in the Elan Valley not ev…

Before Wales...

Where do I belong? Looking at  the reflection of my silent face in the mirror not able to hear the answers in my silent tears I asked myself a thousand times at the top of the mountains in the shadows of the trees in the eyes of my mother between the sentences of my father   I asked myself a thousand times Where do I belong? to the village, I was born? to the hills, I ran? to the obscurity inside my genes? I asked myself a thousand times I couldn’t get a reply I ripped and threw out my heart erased my emotions Hanging in the air.
I could never belong anywhere. The problem wasn't just about the country of my birth, I couldn’t belong to the culture I grew up in. I didn’t belong to my family. I never felt I belonged to a group of friends. I imagined that if I could feel connected or that I belonged somewhere, then everything would be solved.

I accepted that I couldn’t be an alien as I got older, but I was sure I couldn't be an earthling either. I felt myself trapped inside a cocoon woven of my un…