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Arriving at Elan Valley...

I long to reach myself but I touch an invisible glass wall made of broken pieces I can’t connect with me I’m losing the ability to name what is real for me I have forgotten to notice birdsong I can hear the song of every individual bird  While I’m living in Elan Valley
Andy was driving from Leamington to Elan Valley with me. I had car sickness because of too much excitement. I wanted to talk nonstop but I knew I was repeating myself. This excitement is too much for me to handle. For the first time in my life, I will be able to live in a cottage by myself in the middle of nowhere in Wales. We were not only driving to Elan Valley, but we were also driving into my dream. A dream for which I had waited so long…

The weather is very pleasing. All the clouds in the sky were making art shows and celebrating my journey. Blue, white, grey, they were following us and changing their shape… The wind there, there to blow us gently along… And the sun joined my happiness with her playful light.

I wasn’t abl…
Recent posts

Just before go to Elan Valley...

My feeling is clear in my inside ragged on the outside I  see only the clear I  see to the heart  of essence I see only clear  I  lose myself easily  I force myself to clean disturbing memories  with the whisper of nature I want to... I need to... I'm ready to...
I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a sense of security.

I’m very aware that in the Elan Valley not ev…

Before Wales...

Where do I belong? Looking at  the reflection of my silent face in the mirror not able to hear the answers in my silent tears I asked myself a thousand times at the top of the mountains in the shadows of the trees in the eyes of my mother between the sentences of my father   I asked myself a thousand times Where do I belong? to the village, I was born? to the hills, I ran? to the obscurity inside my genes? I asked myself a thousand times I couldn’t get a reply I ripped and threw out my heart erased my emotions Hanging in the air.
I could never belong anywhere. The problem wasn't just about the country of my birth, I couldn’t belong to the culture I grew up in. I didn’t belong to my family. I never felt I belonged to a group of friends. I imagined that if I could feel connected or that I belonged somewhere, then everything would be solved.

I accepted that I couldn’t be an alien as I got older, but I was sure I couldn't be an earthling either. I felt myself trapped inside a cocoon woven of my un…

Here is my project…

By denying our own personal pain, we have created the current world where the absence of love is called love. Today, perhaps what lies beneath the hypocritical life we have reached is denial. Denial of the need to confront the deadly fear we have for the pain we’ve engraved within ourselves. Pain and empathy are strongly related to each other and oppressing pain destroys empathy. The more we are open to pain, the more capable we are of feeling empathy. As long as we continue to refuse to understand the link between the denial of our own pain and its alliance with authority - rather than being an expression of internalized behavior – morality will be nothing more than etiquette. 
It’s part of my Asperger nature that I always communicate well with nature and animals;  they are a catalyst to my work and my life.  I first rode a horse in Brecon whilst learning English back in 1994 and on returning to Turkey I got my own horse which I rode every day. Then in my novel, “You exist in no way”,…

I could hear the Elan Valley calling for me...

Once you become alienated from your surroundings, slowly you’d become more introverted. You’d start searching for your desire to belong in Nature; starting on the mountains, spreading to the meadows, branching out the trees, and becoming a bridge between the melody of the culture you were not born to and yourself.  Nature determines the belonging on behalf of you and you take sanctuary in your new culture: not upsetting you; not betraying your trust; not making any surprises.  From then on, to belong would mean rhythm, and finds oneself in nature. When you can't find words, you learn the language of Nature. The wind, mountains,   rain, land…
Everything started on Facebook. One night I was checking my Facebook page and one of my friends had shared information about the Elan Valley fellowship. Normally if it is some application there I always ignore it. It doesn’t matter what it is. But when I read about the fellowship and saw Elan Valley picture in spite of myself my heart start run…

My childhood...

Words, sentences, meanings, identity, being, being me, not being me, to belong, not to belong, to be quiet, to express, to write language, to utter language, not to utter language, to accept, to be quiet, to be crushed, to be crushed, to be crushed...
For as long as I can remember, I have dwelled upon who I am because I have always been the weird one. 

When I was five years old, my mother and father were hospitalized for two years as a result of a road accident, and then finally, my mother died. Everyone connected my weirdness to what I had been through. Therefore, there was always a tolerance mixed with pity around me, which I hated. However, before the accident, I was a charming, cheeky monkey as well as being weird. I was constantly speaking, forever curious, always asking questions, observing everything, spending time with adults instead of playing with my peers.

Six months before our accident my brother was born. Before he was born I had questions about where this baby came from. My…

Kitty Home

I could hear the mountains calling me... the higher I climbed the more I was lost in the landscape ... the more the wind purified me. It was sweeping away all restrictions and oppressions and obligations… It took my feelings, my pain, my anger... It was as if I knew how to fly… the world diminishing when seen from the pinnacle, the screams of the kites, the roars of the cliffs … I knew how to fly… 
I had lost my trust in people, in myself and in life. I lost everything. This was a huge turning point. I felt so disappointed, so much pain, no value in moving forward. Back then,  many times  I thought of putting an end to my life. But I couldn't do it because of my son and Pinar. The only solution I could find was walking. I started walking every day for 5 or 6 hours without talking. I cried for weeks and I walked for months.  I met with Andy after this walking period when I felt more peaceful. He loves walking, cycling, sailing, traveling and back then he had a motorhome which I cal…