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Elan Valley always has a surprise for you...

During the time I spent in Elan Valley I thought, learned, created, and discovered a lot… Life is totally different in Elan Valley. I was happy to participate in two different events while I was staying there and they both impacted me positively.

The first event was “An Evening with Alyn Wallace-Astro, Landscape and Timelapse Photographer” on 14 February in
Y Star Inn. Andy and I went to the event together and we had totally forgotten that it was Valentine's Day. The restaurant was nicely decorated for Valentine’s Day. Before the event started, I had a chance to talk to Alyn. His Turkish was amazing and he loves Turkey.

We had delicious bread and cheese, Cawl, and also a very special cake to celebrate… Everything I observed there was full of sincerity, simplicity and neutrality. It was interesting for me to see how people behave very differently to the English and the Welsh, to Cardiff and Valley people, to people from North, South and Mid Wales, even to village and town people… …
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Hiding myself...

No straight promises  No straight love No straight path No straight art There’s no path in life When walls block the way   You break through these walls Scramble through the woods When you find your path  You can understand Only your passion leads you In this cold rabbit hole
In these Covid-19 days when everyone must stay at home, I am staying in Leamington. Early in lockdown, I felt hot and cold all over because I caught the coronavirus. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to overcome it without developing heavy symptoms or requiring hospitalisation. Although weeks have passed, I still feel tired and sluggish.


It was a great shock for me to return to the real, hard-hearted world after peaceful Elan Valley, where I lived for two months in a happy dream with mindful self-compassion, and this shock later turned into a nightmare. It was very hard for me to understand how some people have a soul darker than a starless night. It makes me shudder to think of it. I feel my life is a graveyard of buried hop…

With Aylin

It’s dark outside, totally dark, pitch black. Unknowns hidden in the dark, Jinnies, monsters, creatures living in the forest and worse, bad humans. I’m looking at it from my “safe” indoors, What I’m seeing are the fears of my mind, soul I should go out; Go out and see or smell or feel. Stand in the middle of darkness to see that nothing bad will happen. I can’t see that from where I am now Going out, Facing it is safer for my soul than looking at it afar and getting afraid of my own demons. (Aylin Yazan  )
Aylin is my third guest. She is a Turkish journalist working for the BBC and living in London. She came from London to Llanidioes on Sunday. Our plan was that me and Andy could pick her up from there and have a lovely dinner in my cottage. But life made another plan for us. There was a storm and very heavy rain. We were waiting for Aylin in the pub but a message came from her instead. It said “Because of the rain the bus had to change its route. We won't be able to come to Llanidloes.” We ma…

With Zehra...

I’m not a little girl who used to love walking, I'm not a little girl who beats the wind in the mountain. I'm not a little girl who easily cries I'm not a little girl whose colourful dreams were shattered... I try not to remember The weight of all your words I carry in my mind
Zehra was my second guest. She is a kurdish painter who spent more than 2 years in jail in Turkey. I was a bit anxious because I didn’t know her personally before she came here. One week together, one to one…

I haven’t got a car so we picked her up on Saturday night from Llanidloes with Filiz. Filiz went back to Swansea on Sunday and Sunday could have been my alone day… I have to clean the whole cottage and cook for my guest and enjoy it a bit by myself.  But this Sunday I was with Zehra. I woke up a bit early and I didn’t want to wake her up. I made the fire first, then started cleaning. Zehra had woken up now and on seeing me busy said “Why didn't you wake me up? I have to help you. Your eyes…” She was s…

With Filiz...

Full of seedlings... Yearning for blue roses This path Opens our weaknesses  Like a song That remains Full of roses And dead silence Being reborn With every century  That inks into A new chapter (Filiz Çelik)


I thought it was Menopause but it was Autism...

My feelings are knotted... Lost, eluding me always chasing them to understand,  not able to catch up. The darkness I can’t tell... sometimes I drowned,   I tire of running away. Living in turmoil... sometimes you enjoy, sometimes you fade away to sound... with sound... to words… with words...
In all of this emotional turmoil, I noticed that I had put on weight, despite intermittent fasting and not eating more than usual and walking everyday. I started to swell constantly and had hot flashes. Suddenly, I was burning hot and sweating as if I had a shower. And my periods were starting to get delayed. It was the beginning of menopause. The menopause knocked on my door in the most complicated period of my life. It coincided with the news that in Turkey, farcical indictments had been brought demanding life sentences for 16 civil society leaders, including myself, in connection with the 2013 Gezi Park protests. This is an ongoing process.

I was handling the hot flashes but I had often heard other women t…

I was enchanted...

This is time on my own.  This is an adventure.  I’m living in another world, In the world of nature… Success or failure means nothing  I’m living without any demands on me, I’ve got all my skills, I’ve got all my energy, I’m relaxed, It doesn’t matter whether I win or lose... Able to live without critical voices... 

I’m alone… My new home… In nature…

Everybody left but I didn’t feel sad. I’m alone... I don’t have to do anything… Without “have to” or “should do” I don’t know how I'll live… After everybody had gone, I cleaned and tidied up the house. I’m alone…  I listened to the radio but after one hour even the radio was too much for me. I turned it off.… I made a cup of tea… It was very unusual for me because I don’t like coffee or tea but I really wanted to drink a cup of tea while listening to the voice of the wood burner. I felt fantastic. I was free to be confused and be no one...

I was enchanted. I’m alone… I adore my new cottage, of course, but here was something entirely different, w…