When I first came to Wales I was in love with Brecon, then I discovered the mountains of Snowdonia, and they drew me in. Then I came to Elan Valley and had the feeling I was in Brecon again. It’s hard to explain with words, but I had a connection as if I had found my roots.
When I walked to the door, I knew it was my house. My heart didn’t want to stay in its place. My body is not enough for my emotions… My heart wants to run, dance, shout it out. But I try to walk inside the house very calmly. I fall in love in the first minute. I even didn’t want to see the other rooms. I want to apply as soon as possible. I didn’t want to spend any more time… I want to rent this house… I felt I found my soul house. I found my roots. I found where I belong … It was so hard for me to push back all my emotions. I wanted to cry, laugh, dance… However, at the same time, I was so afraid the landlord would not choose me to rent this house. I apply and start waiting. Days stuck in space… Space is empty and cold. Some people said that a Turkish name and writer is not a good combination to rent a house in Wales. They were DEFİNİTLY wrong… After I applied, I looked at the house pictures thinking about how to decorate it. Every day I prayed to the goddess for the house. For the first time, I started living in my home in my dreams. However, anxiety was there as a soldier… constantly saying “be calm. Don’t dream a lot, you could be so disappointed.” It was very hard days for me when I had to wait for the answer.
I started more and more walking, 7 miles, 8 miles… Whist walking my thoughts rambled. The Valley is quiet. I’m imagining unicorns and fairies sheltering in the wood. Everywhere I go, crows follow me. I believe they are one of my guardian animals.
Walking on the hills everything was a spectacle. Everything pleased me. Wind, rain, cloud, trees, birds everything… I’m seeing winter appear. The sun dropping behind the hills doused the Valley in the twilight while sheep still grazed in the sunshine on the eastern height.
I see some visitors, they are exploring the hills, looking around the dams. I have the privilege of walking and exploring here every day. Walking through a wood, hearing the song of a bird. Walking by the dams, listening to the river’s songs… I have a great privilege…
Andy called and said the landlord choose me. I started shouting, crying, dancing, laughing. This was the best news I heard this year.
I was thinking about fitting in … I spent my years trying to fit in… I was thinking about belonging… After seeing my house I think I understand the differences between belonging and fitting in. Belonging is being somewhere I want to be, and they want me… Fitting in is being somewhere where I want to be but they don’t care one way or the other… Belonging is being accepted for who you are. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else… So if I get to be me then “I belong”.. If I have the be like the others then “I fit in” … So it’s very clear for me why I feel “I belong” in Wales…