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Looking for a house around Elan Valley…

My path is in Elan Valley 
Made of meaning
Step by step
Everything about my soul 
Encoded in it
Even sometimes
The ground is soaked
Slowing me down
This is time on my own
This is an adventure
I’m under no obligation
to be objective 
This is my journey and has
set off a whole line of emotion…

When I first came to Wales I was in love with Brecon, then I discovered the mountains of Snowdonia, and they drew me in. Then I came to Elan Valley and had the feeling I was in Brecon again. It’s hard to explain with words, but I had a connection as if I had found my roots. 

Several years ago I wrote two theatre plays and toured with each of them all around Wales. Having had the opportunity to tour the country twice, I am sure Powys is my place. Cardiff is a lovely city but I’m not a city person. Living very happily in Elan Valley, I made my decision to live around thereafter my fellowship in February 2021. This meant I had to start searching now. Trying to find a rental house is not an easy task if you are looking for your dream home. I want a lot of things together. After 52 years I will be able to live alone so I want to get this decision right. I will not write about my searching story but I will write about trusting your feeling and never give up on what you want….

We viewed a lot of houses but none of them was totally ok. I found one in Brecon that was a really nice one, but the landlord didn’t choose me… When I learned I wasn’t chosen I said “I’m sure the goddess will send me a better one. I trust my goddess. A few days later I walked to my internet point to check my emails and saw a house in Builth Wells. I was so excited about it. I sent a message to Andy and wrote: “This is my house. This house will be my home” and we applied to see it. Days stop, hours stop, nothing going further. I’m waiting for the day we will see the house, my home… I couldn’t sleep, I had a picture of the house from the internet and I started looking at them every day. I had already memorised every detail about the house. The day we went to Builth Wells my heart was beating so fast. I was having an anxiety attack but I tried to be calm and act like an adult. 

When I walked to the door, I knew it was my house. My heart didn’t want to stay in its place. My body is not enough for my emotions… My heart wants to run, dance, shout it out. But I try to walk inside the house very calmly. I fall in love in the first minute. I even didn’t want to see the other rooms. I want to apply as soon as possible. I didn’t want to spend any more time… I want to rent this house…  I felt I found my soul house. I found my roots. I found where I belong … It was so hard for me to push back all my emotions. I wanted to cry, laugh, dance… However, at the same time, I was so afraid the landlord would not choose me to rent this house. I apply and start waiting. Days stuck in space… Space is empty and cold.  Some people said that a Turkish name and writer is not a good combination to rent a house in Wales. They were DEFİNİTLY wrong… After I applied, I looked at the house pictures thinking about how to decorate it. Every day I prayed to the goddess for the house. For the first time, I started living in my home in my dreams. However, anxiety was there as a soldier… constantly saying “be calm. Don’t dream a lot, you could be so disappointed.” It was very hard days for me when I had to wait for the answer. 

I started more and more walking, 7 miles, 8 miles… Whist walking my thoughts rambled. The Valley is quiet. I’m imagining unicorns and fairies sheltering in the wood. Everywhere I go, crows follow me. I believe they are one of my guardian animals.

Long walks in the freezing cold can be quite painful, however, it gives me a strong and calm mind, it keeps my body working. I think it is the essence of freedom. Pain is not a problem but not living a meaningful and honest life is the real problem… It seems what I’m doing in Elan Valley has required a huge determination, sense of purpose, and commitment. I’m so glad to be here…   I’m walking to clean my mind, I’m walking to be calm, I know I’m walking to my future… I’m talking to trees, rivers, dams, wind, birds and mother nature… I’m learning from them how I should listen and observe… Moving away from my past I know I’m becoming a learner again…

Walking on the hills everything was a spectacle. Everything pleased me. Wind, rain, cloud, trees, birds everything… I’m seeing winter appear. The sun dropping behind the hills doused the Valley in the twilight while sheep still grazed in the sunshine on the eastern height.

I’m walking near the river. The grass beneath me is cold and damp.  The sky was dirty grey. The weather was frosty and cold. I sat watching the river in silence, no longer aware of the cold. It was relaxing. Gorse bushes, trees, and the river. As if time is not moving. As if I’m living outside of time … I’m learning to be patient and slow. Not easy but I’m trying hard…

I see some visitors, they are exploring the hills, looking around the dams. I have the privilege of walking and exploring here every day. Walking through a wood, hearing the song of a bird. Walking by the dams, listening to the river’s songs… I have a great privilege…

Andy called and said the landlord choose me. I started shouting, crying, dancing, laughing. This was the best news I heard this year.  

I was thinking about fitting in … I spent my years trying to fit in… I was thinking about belonging… After seeing my house I think I understand the differences between belonging and fitting in. Belonging is being somewhere I want to be, and they want me… Fitting in is being somewhere where I want to be but they don’t care one way or the other… Belonging is being accepted for who you are. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else… So if I get to be me then “I belong”.. If I have the be like the others then “I fit in” … So it’s very clear for me why I feel “I belong” in Wales…


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