Dance with catastrophe

 

I should do more 
Nothing is enough. 
More more more
I never understand 
What is enough
When will I be enough
Family, 
Society, 
Culture 
Friends 
More, more, more 
I should give more…
I should buy more
I should do more
I should feel more
I never understand 
What is enough
When will I be enough
More more more
I lost everything
I have nothing left 
No more…
No more…
No more
I get it
I’m already enough…
Enough is enough

We are often told we should put ourselves in the shoes of others but walking in someone’s footsteps is not the same as getting inside their mind. I always thought I understood people but after all, I have faced, I don’t understand them at all…

 I was in the depths of despair.  It’s a very uncomfortable feeling indeed. I was in the dark night, profoundly unsettled, seeing no way out. It pushed me to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching my understanding of how life works and what controls it. The dark night forced me way beyond my capacity for pain but it opened me to new and mysterious possibilities. 

I  couldn’t work out that I was being played by others, like a fish on a line. As an autistic, communication was about interpreting with a basic belief in what people told me because I don’t tell lies myself. But I learned how much capacity for lies exists and autistic people can be gullible, manipulated and taken advantage of. However, I learned that regret is the poison of life, the prison of the soul.

For most of my life, I’ve allowed myself to fit in with how I thought others wanted me to feel and act, especially those I loved.  My dark night gave me so much pain I broke free and started to care for myself and heal. Taking me back to my primordial self, not the heroic one that burns out, to step back from the battle line of existence, to remember the gods and spiritual parts of nature, my own nature and the person I was at the beginning.

I discovered that negative feelings are in me, not in reality. I stopped trying to change reality and hoping others would change also. I learned I don’t have to change anything. I don’t say “I’m depressed’ anymore I’m saying “depression is there” but it is not me. It helps. I keep insisting “ I feel good because the world is right” but what I discover is that the world is right because I feel good.

Nature accepts life as it is
Nature accepts everything goes away, good and bad
Nature doesn’t ask Why
Nature accepts no emotional dependency so nothing makes it happy or miserable 

I learned to be like nature. Refuse to need any particular person, be special to anyone or call anyone my own. I passed through the pains of the dark night and understood what love is and is not.

I am so grateful to have been in the Elan valley during the hardest personal time. I experienced the beauty of its nature and the calm healing of art. It allowed me to take moments of hardship and heartbreak and channel them into something that makes a sad girl feel less alone at the party. I learned art and nature give meaning and context to sadness that finally allows it to pass. I won’t say Goodbye to Elan valley because it will always be with me.