Last Month in Elan Valley

When I cut off from the world
Rejected
Blocked
Humiliated
It’s excruciating

Watch all of my idols die.
Right before my eyes
I’ve given up on my past.
Upon the people I love

In the madness and soil
Of that earthy scene
I’ve given up 
All my dreams
Upon the people, I believe.

When I cut off from the world
My heart apart
Tomorrow will take me away.
Far from this world
No one will ever know my name.

When days have gone by
I'll close my eyes from this world.

I wash everything away.
Before I turn to dust

No thought for tomorrow

No thought for yesterday
Watch everything burning
The bridge is crossed, 
I’m not afraid
I face everything
A time to surrender
A time to forgive
I wash everything away.
Before I pass the point of no return

In Turkey, before winter comes, we put all our summer clothes away and get the winter ones out, because the weather changes so dramatically. Winter is frigid, and the summer is scorching. I always enjoy doing that. I tried to do that in Wales, too, but this year, I couldn’t because in January 2020 I left the house I used to live in to come to Elan Valley. Last March, when Covid started, my life changed. I had a couple of things with me, and I had to live with them for a year as I travelled to different places, Elan Valley, Leamington Spa, ın the boat in Barcelona.

I have a weird relationship with my dresses. Meral, who designed them, is like a mum to me. When her dresses are around me I feel safe. But in this period of my life, I have only one with me. I don’t need to wear them, they just need to be around me. As an autistic and obsessive person, it was immense anxiety for me, one in these circumstances I was unable to fix

But two things helped me, first was being present, without thinking but trying to observe my feelings and what was going on around me.  Second, I used my imagination as though I had my dresses and Merals kind face with me, and this helped me calm down.  I’m teaching myself not cling to anything and not allow myself to be clung to anymore.  I’m learning about living a simple life, one I can cope with that meets my needs, without judgement, attachment and without resistance.

In January, some days were so windy I had to stay home because I have a corneal problem in my eyes. It was nice reading, drawing, listen to the roar of the fire and the smell of charred wood. Drinking cups of hot chocolate and doing embroidery. I was so grateful for the solitude of the winter nights.

I learned daily life can be like a mesh, and sometimes it opens up and I fall through into the rabbit hole. It’s like the raw cold of winter when your heart is frozen, and you feel cut out of the world,  rejected, sidelined from progress, it comes from humiliation. It arrives with sadness and melancholy and, of course, it's involuntary. 

Elan Valley in the winter, with its harsh contrasting light, is a magical cure. When I saw snow I donned my winter gear and headed for the hill.  It was like my childhood; a snowy day was a rough day, a spontaneous holiday. I remember how much I enjoyed pelting down the hill near our house or building a snowman with a carrot nose and olive eyes. But I can’t remember why I cut my relationship with snow and forgot these happy memories. How I lost my interest for decades and snow became melancholic. 

I reached the top of the hill and looked around,  felt the snow, took a deep breath and chose to remember those happy childhood memories. Telling myself  I don’t want to lose this connection again. I had a grin on my face, singing loudly, remembering my connection with snow. I was able to be present,  understanding the wild, cosy, rebellious,  magical, and real strength of nature. I let the cold unburden me of my personal darkness. I walked, I listened, and I healed.

Because of the second lockdown, I have no visitors. Being alone helps me to cure myself. I heal myself with the light of the sun and the sound of the river, with the fire dancing, and the hug of the wind. I am cleansed by the rain and present creating art. No matter what the circumstances,  I learned that the solution to each question, worry or existential crisis is simply to let go. The universe always has a plan, no matter how anything seems to be. Nature shows me you can’t buy the life you aspire to, but you can create it.

Note: My project finished on the 5th of February, so I will write my last post in this section in 2 weeks.