CBHpnotherapy

I thought it was Menopause but it was Autism...

My feelings are knotted... Lost, eluding me always chasing them to understand, not able to catch up. The darkness I can’t tell... sometimes I drowned, I tire of running away. Living in turmoil... sometimes you enjoy, sometimes you fade away to sound... with sound... to words… with words... In all of this emotional turmoil, I noticed that I had put on weight, despite intermittent fasting and not eating more than usual and walking everyday. I started to swell constantly and had hot flashes. Suddenly, I was burning hot and sweating as if I had a shower. And my periods were starting to get delayed. It was the beginning of menopause. The menopause knocked on my door in the most complicated period of my life. It coincided with the news that in Turkey, farcical indictments had been brought demanding life sentences for 16 civil society leaders, including myself, in connection with the 2013 Gezi Park protests. This is an ongoing process. I...

Hiding myself...

No straight promises No straight love No straight path No straight art There’s no path in life When walls block the way You break through these walls Scramble through the woods When you find your path You can understand Only your passion leads you In this cold rabbit hole In these Covid-19 days when everyone must stay at home, I am staying in Leamington. Early in lockdown, I felt hot and cold all over because I caught the coronavirus. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to overcome it without developing heavy symptoms or requiring hospitalisation. Although weeks have passed, I still feel tired and sluggish. It was a great shock for me to return to the real, hard-hearted world after peaceful Elan Valley, where I lived for two months in a happy dream with mindful self-compassion, and this shock later turned into a nightmare. It was very hard for me to understand how some people have a soul darker than a starless night. It make...

After Wales...

Between trees hundreds of years old I was searching for my past at the top of the mountain. Within the shades of greens asking the rivers watering the meadows. Speaking with lotus flowers lying on the river bed I touched the rocks trying to understand what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Torrents fell from my eyes I thrust my head into the clouds confused, unable to breathe… not knowing what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales. Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day… However, in...

I was enchanted...

This is time on my own. This is an adventure. I’m living in another world, In the world of nature… Success or failure means nothing I’m living without any demands on me, I’ve got all my skills, I’ve got all my energy, I’m relaxed, It doesn’t matter whether I win or lose... Able to live without critical voices... I’m alone… My new home… In nature… Everybody left but I didn’t feel sad. I’m alone... I don’t have to do anything… Without “have to” or “should do” I don’t know how I'll live… After everybody had gone, I cleaned and tidied up the house. I’m alone… I listened to the radio but after one hour even the radio was too much for me. I turned it off.… I made a cup of tea… It was very unusual for me because I don’t like coffee or tea but I really wanted to drink a cup of tea while listening to the voice of the wood burner. I felt fantastic. I was free to be confused and be no one... I was enchanted. I’m alone… I adore my ne...

Dance with catastrophe

I should do more Nothing is enough. More more more I never understand What is enough When will I be enough Family, Society, Culture Friends More, more, more I should give more… I should buy more I should do more I should feel more I never understand What is enough When will I be enough More more more I lost everything I have nothing left No more… No more… No more I get it I’m already enough… Enough is enough We are often told we should put ourselves in the shoes of others but walking in someone’s footsteps is not the same as getting inside their mind. I always thought I understood people but after all, I have faced, I don’t understand them at all… I was in the depths of despair. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling indeed. I was in the dark night, profoundly unsettled, seeing no way out. It pushed me to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching my understanding of how life works and what controls it....

With Zehra...

I’m not a little girl who used to love walking, I'm not a little girl who beats the wind in the mountain. I'm not a little girl who easily cries I'm not a little girl whose colourful dreams were shattered... I try not to remember The weight of all your words I carry in my mind Zehra was my second guest. She is a kurdish painter who spent more than 2 years in jail in Turkey. I was a bit anxious because I didn’t know her personally before she came here. One week together, one to one… I haven’t got a car so we picked her up on Saturday night from Llanidloes with Filiz. Filiz went back to Swansea on Sunday and Sunday could have been my alone day… I have to clean the whole cottage and cook for my guest and enjoy it a bit by myself. But this Sunday I was with Zehra. I woke up a bit early and I didn’t want to wake her up. I made the fire first, then started cleaning. Zehra had woken up now and on seeing me busy said “Why didn't you wake me ...

New Year in the Elan Valley

I embraced death I understood the cycle I lived with cycles Death, a door Door, a transition Transition, an end End was a beginning I accepted this I learned you can die Even when you are alive Blowing away in ruthlessness Burning in lies Freezing in merciless spite I learn what is accepting Like nature Just how it was Death like life A part of us Our divine And you can die Even when you are alive…. I never thought I would find out what love truly was during my calm and peaceful life in Elan Valley. I would wake up with the bright light of the sun, the birds telling their songs. After morning tea, go for a walk, sometimes along the river, sometimes on top of the hills, sometimes to the forest, sometimes on the road to the internet point… I bring food for the birds and squirrels who accompany me during my walk. One of my pathways was covered with dead blackberries and nettles. The nettles which burn everyone only itch my skin a tiny bit. The nettles heal my shingles. But the season...

I could hear the Elan Valley calling for me...

Once you become alienated from your surroundings, slowly you’d become more introverted. You’d start searching for your desire to belong in Nature; starting on the mountains, spreading to the meadows, branching out the trees, and becoming a bridge between the melody of the culture you were not born to and yourself. Nature determines the belonging on behalf of you and you take sanctuary in your new culture: not upsetting you; not betraying your trust; not making any surprises. From then on, to belong would mean rhythm, and finds oneself in nature. When you can't find words, you learn the language of Nature. The wind, mountains, rain, land… Everything started on Facebook. One night I was checking my Facebook page and one of my friends had shared information about the Elan Valley fellowship. Normally if it is some application there I always ignore it. It doesn’t matter what it is. But when I read about the fellowship and saw Elan Valley picture in spite of myself...

With Filiz...

Full of seedlings... Yearning for blue roses This path Opens our weaknesses Like a song That remains Full of roses And dead silence Being reborn With every century That inks into A new chapter (Filiz Çelik)

MELTEM ARIKAN

Search This Blog