As an adult with autism who has achieved inner peace, it meant that I had to strip away all the social conditioning that made me believe I was weird. I do still accept, however, that I am different. It means redefining my identity. It demands a little bit of effort, bravery, and discomfort, but above all, it necessitates the courage to allow myself to be who I am. Permitting ourselves to be ourselves may be the greatest challenge for autistic people...
The confusion I experience when the big difference between thinking I understand myself and understanding myself hits me in the face... Of course, it was not easy to face the fact that I thought I understood myself most of the time when I looked back, but this confrontation taught me to know myself. I am no longer afraid of being myself or realising my weaknesses and hearing the judgements of others because the fact is, I am who I am.
Reflecting on my experiences has allowed me to realise how much I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, especially during my childhood and adolescence. In retrospect, I can now clearly see that many of the challenges I faced, which were initially attributed to the traffic accident we had at a young age and the subsequent loss of my mother, were actually a result of my autism. When my experiences with autism coincided with the traumatic events of my childhood, my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness were deeply rooted in me. Today, I still vividly recall how I always perceived myself as an inferior version of my peers.
I often observed my friends attending social events. In middle and high school, whether or not I received an invite to these events and subsequently chose to participate in them was a great source of anxiety for me. While I have at times excelled as an employee, at other times, I have struggled. Despite my efforts to integrate into friend groups and spend time with colleagues, I have always felt that something needed to be added, though I could not identify what. I longed to meet others' expectations but ultimately realised I could not be the person they wanted me to be.
Throughout my years of employment, I have felt like an outsider. I found it challenging to comply with instructions that did not align with my logical framework. The regulations and structure of working life always presented a challenge for me. Retirement was a relief as if a heavy load were lifted off my shoulders. My success is due to my determination, perseverance, and the support and acceptance of my superior and inferior colleagues despite our differences.
In my therapy sessions with numerous autistic adults and young people, it is disheartening to witness the extent to which autistic individuals struggle, expending all their energy masking themselves. This goes against being true to oneself, attempting to assimilate to others' expectations instead of embracing individuality, and yearning for comprehension rather than self-understanding.
Yes, as an adult with autism, my communication style differs from neurotypical people. I can be direct and sometimes setting boundaries can be a big challenge. Nevertheless, I can learn anything I find confounding. Social interactions are sometimes challenging for me to comprehend. Nonetheless, I can learn anything I find challenging. Instead, I appreciate and embrace my unique differences. I understand being autistic does not imply incompetence. Like every individual living in the world, there are things I can do very well or not at all. The fact that my perception does not match the expectations in the world of non-autistics does not make me inadequate or worthless.
Yes, as an autistic person, I sometimes face challenges that other people do not meet but I am also learning ways to cope with them. However, for me and other individuals with autism, navigating the complexity of the neurotypical world is challenging.
Research suggests that children with autism are exposed to more than 20,000 negative messages from their peers, often resulting in feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy from an early age. Therefore, it is crucial to avoid subjective evaluations when making comments about autistic individuals and to refrain from harsh judgments. Autistic individuals are doing everything
they can to adapt to a world that is not well-suited for them. But what are you non-autistic people doing to understand us, or should the question be, do you want to understand us?
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