MELTEM ARIKAN

  As an adult with autism who has achieved inner peace, it meant that I had to strip away all the social conditioning that made me believe I was weird. I do still accept, however, that I am different. It means redefining my identity. It demands a little bit of effort, bravery, and discomfort, but above all, it necessitates the courage to allow myself to be who I am. Permitting ourselves to be ourselves may be the greatest challenge for autistic people...  The confusion I experience when the big difference between thinking I understand myself and understanding myself hits me in the face... Of course, it was not easy to face the fact that I thought I understood myself most of the time when I looked back, but this confrontation taught me to know myself. I am no longer afraid of being myself or realising my weaknesses and hearing the judgements of others because the fact is, I am who I am. Reflecting on my experiences has allowed me to realise how much I struggled with feelings of...

How could somebody who is so intelligent, knowledgeable and smart, someone who researches everything, once trust and believe in the knowledge of only one person? So much so that it never even crossed my mind that there could be a truth other than his words... and I did so for years until the therapy sessions that I had after I was diagnosed with autism.  I now have dozens of answers to the question of how I came to believe so blindly in a person, but I don't really know which one is right to this day; however, despite all the troubles, pains, losses, betrayals and lies I have experienced because of this belief, so many different doors have opened in front of me that I have even learnt to smile at my past, albeit bitterly... But the most important thing I have learnt is that it is my responsibility to find my own truth. Unfortunately, this can be a little difficult for those with autism, but this truth applies to all of us...  Everyone should find their own truth... With their ...

  I should do more  Nothing is enough.  More more more I never understand  What is enough When will I be enough Family,  Society,  Culture  Friends  More, more, more  I should give more… I should buy more I should do more I should feel more I never understand  What is enough When will I be enough More more more I lost everything I have nothing left  No more… No more… No more I get it I’m already enough… Enough is enough We are often told we should put ourselves in the shoes of others but walking in someone’s footsteps is not the same as getting inside their mind. I always thought I understood people but after all, I have faced, I don’t understand them at all…  I was in the depths of despair.  It’s a very uncomfortable feeling indeed. I was in the dark night, profoundly unsettled, seeing no way out. It pushed me to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching my understanding of how life works and what controls it....

When I cut off from the world Rejected Blocked Humiliated It’s excruciating Watch all of my idols die. Right before my eyes I’ve given up on my past. Upon the people I love In the madness and soil Of that earthy scene I’ve given up  All my dreams Upon the people, I believe. When I cut off from the world My heart apart Tomorrow will take me away. Far from this world No one will ever know my name. When days have gone by I'll close my eyes from this world. I wash everything away. Before I turn to dust No thought for tomorrow No thought for yesterday Watch everything burning The bridge is crossed,  I’m not afraid I face everything A time to surrender A time to forgive I wash everything away. Before I pass the point of no return In Turkey, before winter comes, we put all our summer clothes away and get the winter ones out, because the weather changes so dramatically. Winter is frigid, and the summer is scorching. I always enjoy doing that. I tried to do that in Wales, too, but this...

I embraced death I understood the cycle I lived with cycles Death, a door Door, a transition Transition, an end End was a beginning  I accepted this I learned you can die Even when you are alive Blowing away in ruthlessness Burning in lies Freezing in merciless spite I learn what is accepting Like nature Just how it was Death like life A part of us Our divine And you can die Even when you are alive…. I never thought I would find out what love truly was during my calm and peaceful life in Elan Valley. I would wake up with the bright light of the sun, the birds telling their songs. After morning tea, go for a walk, sometimes along the river, sometimes on top of the hills, sometimes to the forest, sometimes on the road to the internet point… I bring food for the birds and squirrels who accompany me during my walk. One of my pathways was covered with dead blackberries and nettles. The nettles which burn everyone only itch my skin a tiny bit. The nettles heal my shingles. But the season...

So many people  Living in the city Many sulky faces Many in a hurry So many people Living in the city Sick, in pain Unhappy and sad Living in the city So far from me Scaring me Making me want to run away So many people living in the city When I lived in the city I was green and didn’t understand how quickly broken love could turn into hatred and spite. Carrying love is easy when the love is reciprocal, but to be truly strong and carry the power of love, it is helpful to understand the pain of rejected love. This was my experience as if for some, their love is overwhelmed by pride, arrogance, and ego sacrificed for the need to preserve their most fearful self. It was before the second lockdown and I had a couple of guests staying. First Filiz and her art psychotherapist friend Patrick came walking with me. It was a very nice day. The weather was not cold, the wind was not there. We start walking from the longhouse and followed the river Claerwen until the path finished. Walking near...

My path is in Elan Valley  Made of meaning Step by step Everything about my soul  Encoded in it Even sometimes The ground is soaked Slowing me down This is time on my own This is an adventure I’m under no obligation to be objective  This is my journey and has set off a whole line of emotion… When I first came to Wales I was in love with Brecon, then I discovered the mountains of Snowdonia, and they drew me in. Then I came to Elan Valley and had the feeling I was in Brecon again. It’s hard to explain with words, but I had a connection as if I had found my roots.  Several years ago I wrote two theatre plays and toured with each of them all around Wales. Having had the opportunity to tour the country twice, I am sure Powys is my place. Cardiff is a lovely city but I’m not a city person. Living very happily in Elan Valley, I made my decision to live around thereafter my fellowship in February 2021. This meant I had to start searching now. Trying to find a rental house is...

Lies, hate and ruthlessness It is conveyed mercilessly  Their poison spreads insidiously Sometimes I feel ashamed Of humanity of people Although they are not aware….

Words cannot give me a reality I learned this harshly They only indicate They only point I want to reach beyond words And I now know only nature can teach that to me…

Birds tell us what to do   Holding the sun As if it is never down       Love makes us feel alive Sleeping in silence As if dark noises never come Dreams make heart beat fast Dreaming in blue Mother of sight Above the earth  no place to hide Above my thoughts walk through blindly  on the green lines When Rebecca arrived, I was so excited about our week. I know she loves walking, hiking, and wildlife, but at the same time, I knew she was five months pregnant. So this could be unique for both of us. Sitting by the fire, just woken up from a deep nap. It’s tranquil here! I knew there was no internet and no phone signal and being used to camping and walking in the wilderness that felt ok. Before I got here… now it feels like an adjustment! The thought of a quiet evening… no internet, no films, no one is coming and going on the street outside… a little daunting, but I imagine it could be extremely grounding. I ofte...

During the time I spent in Elan Valley I thought, learned, created, and discovered a lot… Life is totally different in Elan Valley. I was happy to participate in two different events while I was staying there and they both impacted me positively. The first event was “An Evening with Alyn Wallace-Astro, Landscape and Timelapse Photographer” on 14 February in Y Star Inn. Andy and I went to the event together and we had totally forgotten that it was Valentine's Day. The restaurant was nicely decorated for Valentine’s Day. Before the event started, I had a chance to talk to Alyn. His Turkish was amazing and he loves Turkey. We had delicious bread and cheese, Cawl, and also a very special cake to celebrate… Everything I observed there was full of sincerity, simplicity and neutrality. It was interesting for me to see how people behave very differently to the English and the Welsh, to Cardiff and Valley people, to people from North, South and Mid Wales, even to village and town...