Just before go to Elan Valley...

My feeling is clear in my inside

ragged on the outside

I  see only the clear

I  see to the heart  of essence

I see only clear 

I  lose myself easily 

I force myself to clean disturbing memories 

with the whisper of nature

I want to...

I need to...

I'm ready to...

I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a sense of security.

I’m very aware that in the Elan Valley not everything will go as I plan. People can cancel their schedule, they can feel tired, the weather can change etc.. Having all these unknown possibilities and not knowing how my life will be there
is difficult for me to manage.

I have more anxiety and more excitement than usual. My heart beats so fast every minute... it makes me tired. My thoughts are chasing each other so quickly that I get lost when I follow them. Sometimes I need a second to be aware of where I am. I’m not able to sleep. I have to keep myself busy.  I’m making a different list for Elan Valley. What I need in my bedroom. What I need in the living room. What do I need for my artworks? What kind of outfit will I need there?  What will my guests need? What do I need in an emergency? Food lists… Products for hair, skin, wounds, cleaning…  Vitamins… Pills… Carpet…

Boxes come from amazon every day. I never did this much shopping in Wales... Bean bag, curtains, cushion for sofa, throws, blankets, fairy lights, colorful boxes, picture frames, notebooks, pencils, pens, printer, and small kitchen appliances...  I have to rearrange the environment to feel homely and familiar, and to suit my own needs,  otherwise, I feel unsafe and so uncomfortable.

When Pınar saw my preparation before I came to Leamington she said: “I’m so afraid that when your fellowship ends this December you will want to stay there and even those who run the project will have trouble sending you back home. Please promise me you will come back to Cardiff. You will not want to stay and live there or in some old farmhouse around there.”

On my birthday in January…  I had an email from Plaxy Muetzel from the lower Llaithddu Farm.  She is a sheep farmer as well as a leader of circle dance and she has a passion to return this dance form to a community setting outdoors, where it originates in many cultures. She occasionally dances with her friends in the market hall in Newtown, and once a year on the farm. She asked me if I can teach her any circle dances from my homeland. When I got her email it made me so happy because I did Turkish folk dance for fifteen years and loved it. I’m looking forward to teaching her a Turkish circle dance.

It was not easy for us to fit all my stuff into Andy’s car, and it is not a small car! So much stuff, as if I really am going to live in the Elan Valley for life. Every moment I find something else I have to take with me…   I am really curious about what the lovely people of the Elan Valley project will think when they see the new version of the cottage.

I feel like I have an exam tomorrow but I didn’t study enough. Even now I have trouble breathing and writing this line because of my anxiety. I’m so happy, so excited, so curious about this new journey.  I feel after Elan Valley my life will never be the same.

When you read this I will have already started living in the Elan Valley...