Skip to main content

Just before go to Elan Valley...


My feeling is clear in my inside
ragged on the outside
I  see only the clear
I  see to the heart  of essence
I see only clear 
I  lose myself easily 
I force myself to clean disturbing memories 
with the whisper of nature
I want to...
I need to...
I'm ready to...

I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a sense of security.

I’m very aware that in the Elan Valley not everything will go as I plan. People can cancel their schedule, they can feel tired, the weather can change etc.. Having all these unknown possibilities and not knowing how my life will be there
is difficult for me to manage.


I have more anxiety and more excitement than usual. My heart beats so fast every minute... it makes me tired. My thoughts are chasing each other so quickly that I get lost when I follow them. Sometimes I need a second to be aware of where I am. I’m not able to sleep. I have to keep myself busy.  I’m making a different list for Elan Valley. What I need in my bedroom. What I need in the living room. What do I need for my artworks? What kind of outfit will I need there?  What will my guests need? What do I need in an emergency? Food lists… Products for hair, skin, wounds, cleaning…  Vitamins… Pills… Carpet…

Boxes come from amazon every day. I never did this much shopping in Wales... Bean bag, curtains, cushion for sofa, throws, blankets, fairy lights, colorful boxes, picture frames, notebooks, pencils, pens, printer, and small kitchen appliances...  I have to rearrange the environment to feel homely and familiar, and to suit my own needs,  otherwise, I feel unsafe and so uncomfortable.

When Pınar saw my preparation before I came to Leamington she said: “I’m so afraid that when your fellowship ends this December you will want to stay there and even those who run the project will have trouble sending you back home. Please promise me you will come back to Cardiff. You will not want to stay and live there or in some old farmhouse around there.”

On my birthday in January…  I had an email from Plaxy Muetzel from the lower Llaithddu Farm.  She is a sheep farmer as well as a leader of circle dance and she has a passion to return this dance form to a community setting outdoors, where it originates in many cultures. She occasionally dances with her friends in the market hall in Newtown, and once a year on the farm. She asked me if I can teach her any circle dances from my homeland. When I got her email it made me so happy because I did Turkish folk dance for fifteen years and loved it. I’m looking forward to teaching her a Turkish circle dance.

It was not easy for us to fit all my stuff into Andy’s car, and it is not a small car! So much stuff, as if I really am going to live in the Elan Valley for life. Every moment I find something else I have to take with me…   I am really curious about what the lovely people of the Elan Valley project will think when they see the new version of the cottage.

I feel like I have an exam tomorrow but I didn’t study enough. Even now I have trouble breathing and writing this line because of my anxiety. I’m so happy, so excited, so curious about this new journey.  I feel after Elan Valley my life will never be the same.

When you read this I will have already started living in the Elan Valley...


Comments

clelia albano said…
Dear friend, this story is both intriguing and touching. Beautifully written to such an extent that takes my breath away! I wish you the best in Elan Valley. I'm sure you will capture the most attractive landscapes down there and you will have relaxing walks and a lot of inspiration. Good luck, Meltem!

Hugs
Clelia xx
Plaxy said…
Thank you for lovely mail today, dear Meltem, helping me to find you HERE!
I want to leave here for you,TODAY (for a reason to share later), a heartfelt Croeso to my neighbourhood, and to my life!
"May the hill give strength, may the valley give peace" Celtic Blessing
And may love all around ever warm you,
Px.

Popular posts from this blog

I thought it was Menopause but it was Autism...

My feelings are knotted... Lost, eluding me always chasing them to understand,  not able to catch up. The darkness I can’t tell... sometimes I drowned,   I tire of running away. Living in turmoil... sometimes you enjoy, sometimes you fade away to sound... with sound... to words… with words... In all of this emotional turmoil, I noticed that I had put on weight, despite intermittent fasting and not eating more than usual and walking everyday. I started to swell constantly and had hot flashes. Suddenly, I was burning hot and sweating as if I had a shower. And my periods were starting to get delayed. It was the beginning of menopause. The menopause knocked on my door in the most complicated period of my life. It coincided with the news that in Turkey, farcical indictments had been brought demanding life sentences for 16 civil society leaders, including myself, in connection with the 2013 Gezi Park protests. This is an ongoing process. I was handling

Hiding myself...

No straight promises  No straight love No straight path No straight art There’s no path in life When walls block the way   You break through these walls Scramble through the woods When you find your path  You can understand Only your passion leads you In this cold rabbit hole In these Covid-19 days when everyone must stay at home, I am staying in Leamington. Early in lockdown, I felt hot and cold all over because I caught the coronavirus. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to overcome it without developing heavy symptoms or requiring hospitalisation. Although weeks have passed, I still feel tired and sluggish. It was a great shock for me to return to the real, hard-hearted world after peaceful Elan Valley, where I lived for two months in a happy dream with mindful self-compassion, and this shock later turned into a nightmare. It was very hard for me to understand how some people have a soul darker than a starless night. It makes me shudder to thi

I was enchanted...

This is time on my own.  This is an adventure.  I’m living in another world, In the world of nature… Success or failure means nothing  I’m living without any demands on me, I’ve got all my skills, I’ve got all my energy, I’m relaxed, It doesn’t matter whether I win or lose... Able to live without critical voices...  I’m alone… My new home… In nature… Everybody left but I didn’t feel sad. I’m alone... I don’t have to do anything… Without “have to” or “should do” I don’t know how I'll live… After everybody had gone, I cleaned and tidied up the house. I’m alone…  I listened to the radio but after one hour even the radio was too much for me. I turned it off.… I made a cup of tea… It was very unusual for me because I don’t like coffee or tea but I really wanted to drink a cup of tea while listening to the voice of the wood burner. I felt fantastic. I was free to be confused and be no one... I was enchanted. I’m alone… I adore my new cottage, of course

After Wales...

Between trees hundreds of years old I was searching for my past  at the top of the mountain.  Within the shades of greens asking the rivers  watering the meadows. Speaking with lotus flowers lying on the river bed I  touched the rocks trying to understand what I missed.  I’m  hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Torrents fell from my eyes I thrust my head into the clouds confused, unable to breathe… not knowing what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales. Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day… However, in the space of one night, I ha

Dance with catastrophe

  I should do more  Nothing is enough.  More more more I never understand  What is enough When will I be enough Family,  Society,  Culture  Friends  More, more, more  I should give more… I should buy more I should do more I should feel more I never understand  What is enough When will I be enough More more more I lost everything I have nothing left  No more… No more… No more I get it I’m already enough… Enough is enough We are often told we should put ourselves in the shoes of others but walking in someone’s footsteps is not the same as getting inside their mind. I always thought I understood people but after all, I have faced, I don’t understand them at all…  I was in the depths of despair.  It’s a very uncomfortable feeling indeed. I was in the dark night, profoundly unsettled, seeing no way out. It pushed me to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching my understanding of how life works and what controls it. The dark night forced me way beyond my capacity for pain but it

I could hear the Elan Valley calling for me...

Once you become alienated from your surroundings, slowly you’d become more introverted. You’d start searching for your desire to belong in Nature; starting on the mountains, spreading to the meadows, branching out the trees, and becoming a bridge between the melody of the culture you were not born to and yourself.  Nature determines the belonging on behalf of you and you take sanctuary in your new culture: not upsetting you; not betraying your trust; not making any surprises.  From then on, to belong would mean rhythm, and finds oneself in nature. When you can't find words, you learn the language of Nature. The wind, mountains,   rain, land… Everything started on Facebook. One night I was checking my Facebook page and one of my friends had shared information about the Elan Valley fellowship. Normally if it is some application there I always ignore it. It doesn’t matter what it is. But when I read about the fellowship and saw Elan Valley picture in spite of myself my heart

With Zehra...

I’m not a little girl who used to love walking, I'm not a little girl who beats the wind in the mountain. I'm not a little girl who easily cries I'm not a little girl whose colourful dreams were shattered... I try not to remember The weight of all your words I carry in my mind Zehra was my second guest. She is a kurdish painter who spent more than 2 years in jail in Turkey. I was a bit anxious because I didn’t know her personally before she came here. One week together, one to one… I haven’t got a car so we picked her up on Saturday night from Llanidloes with Filiz. Filiz went back to Swansea on Sunday and Sunday could have been my alone day… I have to clean the whole cottage and cook for my guest and enjoy it a bit by myself.  But this Sunday I was with Zehra. I woke up a bit early and I didn’t want to wake her up. I made the fire first, then started cleaning. Zehra had woken up now and on seeing me busy said “Why didn't you wake me

With Filiz...

Full of seedlings... Yearning for blue roses This path Opens our weaknesses  Like a song That remains Full of roses And dead silence Being reborn With every century  That inks into A new chapter (Filiz Çelik)