MELTEM ARIKAN

Between trees hundreds of years old I was searching for my past  at the top of the mountain.  Within the shades of greens asking the rivers  watering the meadows. Speaking with lotus flowers lying on the river bed I  touched the rocks trying to understand what I missed.  I’m  hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Torrents fell from my eyes I thrust my head into the clouds confused, unable to breathe… not knowing what I missed. I’m hurt inside by the wind carrying my past Over the years I got used to living with illnesses and eccentricities. I had created a small world with very few people and I was struggling in that rarefied world. Until one day I came to Wales. Wales was the first place I felt I belonged. Wales became an obsession for me after I came to Brecon fifteen years ago for my English course. My biggest dream was to live in Wales one day... I dreamed the day would come... One day… However, in...

I long to reach myself but I touch an invisible glass wall made of broken pieces I can’t connect with me I’m losing the ability to name what is real for me I have forgotten to notice birdsong I can hear the song of every individual bird  While I’m living in Elan Valley Andy was driving from Leamington to Elan Valley with me. I had car sickness because of too much excitement. I wanted to talk nonstop but I knew I was repeating myself. This excitement is too much for me to handle. For the first time in my life, I will be able to live in a cottage by myself in the middle of nowhere in Wales. We were not only driving to Elan Valley, but we were also driving into my dream. A dream for which I had waited so long… The weather is very pleasing. All the clouds in the sky were making art shows and celebrating my journey. Blue, white, grey, they were following us and changing their shape… The wind there, there to blow us gently along… And the sun joined my happiness wit...

My feeling is clear in my inside ragged on the outside I  see only the clear I  see to the heart  of essence I see only clear  I  lose myself easily  I force myself to clean disturbing memories  with the whisper of nature I want to... I need to... I'm ready to... I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a ...

Where do I belong? Looking at  the reflection of my silent face in the mirror not able to hear the answers in my silent tears I asked myself a thousand times at the top of the mountains in the shadows of the trees in the eyes of my mother between the sentences of my father   I asked myself a thousand times Where do I belong? to the village, I was born? to the hills, I ran? to the obscurity inside my genes? I asked myself a thousand times I couldn’t get a reply I ripped and threw out my heart erased my emotions Hanging in the air. I could never belong anywhere. The problem wasn't just about the country of my birth, I couldn’t belong to the culture I grew up in. I didn’t belong to my family. I never felt I belonged to a group of friends. I imagined that if I could feel connected or that I belonged somewhere, then everything would be solved. I accepted that I couldn’t be an alien as I got older, but I was sure I co...