MELTEM ARIKAN

Lies, hate and ruthlessness It is conveyed mercilessly  Their poison spreads insidiously Sometimes I feel ashamed Of humanity of people Although they are not aware….

Words cannot give me a reality I learned this harshly They only indicate They only point I want to reach beyond words And I now know only nature can teach that to me…

Birds tell us what to do   Holding the sun As if it is never down       Love makes us feel alive Sleeping in silence As if dark noises never come Dreams make heart beat fast Dreaming in blue Mother of sight Above the earth  no place to hide Above my thoughts walk through blindly  on the green lines When Rebecca arrived, I was so excited about our week. I know she loves walking, hiking, and wildlife, but at the same time, I knew she was five months pregnant. So this could be unique for both of us. Sitting by the fire, just woken up from a deep nap. It’s tranquil here! I knew there was no internet and no phone signal and being used to camping and walking in the wilderness that felt ok. Before I got here… now it feels like an adjustment! The thought of a quiet evening… no internet, no films, no one is coming and going on the street outside… a little daunting, but I imagine it could be extremely grounding. I ofte...

During the time I spent in Elan Valley I thought, learned, created, and discovered a lot… Life is totally different in Elan Valley. I was happy to participate in two different events while I was staying there and they both impacted me positively. The first event was “An Evening with Alyn Wallace-Astro, Landscape and Timelapse Photographer” on 14 February in Y Star Inn. Andy and I went to the event together and we had totally forgotten that it was Valentine's Day. The restaurant was nicely decorated for Valentine’s Day. Before the event started, I had a chance to talk to Alyn. His Turkish was amazing and he loves Turkey. We had delicious bread and cheese, Cawl, and also a very special cake to celebrate… Everything I observed there was full of sincerity, simplicity and neutrality. It was interesting for me to see how people behave very differently to the English and the Welsh, to Cardiff and Valley people, to people from North, South and Mid Wales, even to village and town...

It’s dark outside, totally dark, pitch black. Unknowns hidden in the dark, Jinnies, monsters, creatures living in the forest and worse, bad humans. I’m looking at it from my “safe” indoors, What I’m seeing are the fears of my mind, soul I should go out; Go out and see or smell or feel. Stand in the middle of darkness to see that nothing bad will happen. I can’t see that from where I am now Going out, Facing it is safer for my soul than looking at it afar and getting afraid of my own demons. (Aylin Yazan  ) Aylin is my third guest. She is a Turkish journalist working for the BBC and living in London. She came from London to Llanidioes on Sunday. Our plan was that me and Andy could pick her up from there and have a lovely dinner in my cottage. But life made another plan for us. There was a storm and very heavy rain. We were waiting for Aylin in the pub but a message came from her instead. It said “Because of the rain the bus had to change its route. W...

I’m not a little girl who used to love walking, I'm not a little girl who beats the wind in the mountain. I'm not a little girl who easily cries I'm not a little girl whose colourful dreams were shattered... I try not to remember The weight of all your words I carry in my mind Zehra was my second guest. She is a kurdish painter who spent more than 2 years in jail in Turkey. I was a bit anxious because I didn’t know her personally before she came here. One week together, one to one… I haven’t got a car so we picked her up on Saturday night from Llanidloes with Filiz. Filiz went back to Swansea on Sunday and Sunday could have been my alone day… I have to clean the whole cottage and cook for my guest and enjoy it a bit by myself.  But this Sunday I was with Zehra. I woke up a bit early and I didn’t want to wake her up. I made the fire first, then started cleaning. Zehra had woken up now and on seeing me busy said “Why didn't you wake me ...

Full of seedlings... Yearning for blue roses This path Opens our weaknesses  Like a song That remains Full of roses And dead silence Being reborn With every century  That inks into A new chapter (Filiz Çelik)

I’m ok... You are ok... Love me, look at me, value me, attend to me, On being boss, on having power, on winning the race I don’t feed myself on that… If I feed myself on others... If I am nourishing material.. I know I’ve lost my soul… I haven’t lost any of my excitement while I’m living in Elan Valley. Everything is so new but at the same time, everything reminds me of my childhood. The smell of burning wood, the cold bathroom, buckets in the bathroom, the ‘voices’ coming from the wood burner. Silence and the sound of the radio which we bought had a couple of days ago… I was born in a house with a wood burner but after three years we moved into a flat which had central heating and a shower. But my dad, uncle, and their aunt lived in Keçiöğren when I was a child. Keçiören was a village far from the city centre. People there live in a cottage or in small apartment buildings with a maximum of three floors. They have big gardens with different fruit t...

I long to reach myself but I touch an invisible glass wall made of broken pieces I can’t connect with me I’m losing the ability to name what is real for me I have forgotten to notice birdsong I can hear the song of every individual bird  While I’m living in Elan Valley Andy was driving from Leamington to Elan Valley with me. I had car sickness because of too much excitement. I wanted to talk nonstop but I knew I was repeating myself. This excitement is too much for me to handle. For the first time in my life, I will be able to live in a cottage by myself in the middle of nowhere in Wales. We were not only driving to Elan Valley, but we were also driving into my dream. A dream for which I had waited so long… The weather is very pleasing. All the clouds in the sky were making art shows and celebrating my journey. Blue, white, grey, they were following us and changing their shape… The wind there, there to blow us gently along… And the sun joined my happiness wit...

My feeling is clear in my inside ragged on the outside I  see only the clear I  see to the heart  of essence I see only clear  I  lose myself easily  I force myself to clean disturbing memories  with the whisper of nature I want to... I need to... I'm ready to... I’m in Royal Leamington Spa now and I’m so excited. İn two days I'll be living in Elan Valley. New home, new area, new neighbour, new people, new routing, new discovery… It’s not easy for me to handle all these new things. As an Aspie woman, routine, ritual, and repetition are very important to me. They give my life structure. Within my routine, I always know what I need to do next. I’m easily upset by new routines or quick changes in my diary. Routines are very predictable and give me a sense of control. Unpredictability or unplanned days make me so anxious. I have a need to plan or script every moment so that I feel in control even if I’m not. Routines provide a ...

By denying our own personal pain, we have created the current world where the absence of love is called love. Today, perhaps what lies beneath the hypocritical life we have reached is denial. Denial of the need to confront the deadly fear we have for the pain we’ve engraved within ourselves. Pain and empathy are strongly related to each other and oppressing pain destroys empathy. The more we are open to pain, the more capable we are of feeling empathy. As long as we continue to refuse to understand the link between the denial of our own pain and its alliance with authority - rather than being an expression of internalized behavior – morality will be nothing more than etiquette.  It’s part of my Asperger nature that I always communicate well with nature and animals;  they are a catalyst to my work and my life.  I first rode a horse in Brecon whilst learning English back in 1994 and on returning to Turkey I got my own horse which I rode every day. Then in my novel...