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I am a woman
Kicked out of Heaven
I am a writer
Tried for treason, facing life in prison
I am an exile
Defined as other
I am Autistic
Pushing myself to be normal
Only to become invisible

Forever I have the same question, “Who am I?” because I’m always the weird one. I’m so smart for one. I’m so absurd for another. I’m so stubborn. I’m so intelligent. I’m so honest. I’m so abnormal. I’m the eccentric one. I always tried to fit into society but it was always hard. I never felt I belonged
anywhere; I felt “I’m an alien”. However, for the first time in my life, I had a sense of belonging in Wales when I came to Brecon in 2003. After this visit, Wales became my obsession. I wanted to live in Wales. And then it happened.

Even though I now live in Wales and I’ve found a lot of answers about myself the puzzle was still not completed.  This year 2019, at the age of 51, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome/Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I’m so happy about this because now I’ve got all the answers about myself.
Writing is an essential part of who I am. I have written eleven books, five theatre plays, one opera, two photographic exhibitions and well over a thousand articles and essays.
For me, everything starts with this story:
One day, when I was five years old, my parents, me, my six month old brother and another family were coming back home from a holiday in my father’s friend’s car. During our first stop for a break at a village farm, the other family wanted to buy two pigeons for their kids. My mother didn’t feel right about it and said, “Pigeons inside a car are bad luck”. But they didn’t listen.

A little while later we had a terrible accident. My mother and father were seriously injured and  I had broken bones. My baby brother was forgotten under the seat. They found him three hours later but he was not injured. The other family, on the other hand, were able to just walk away with their pigeons!
They couldn’t find an ambulance, so we were taken to hospital on the back of a pick-up truck. On that journey, I remember suffocating under questions such as: did we have an accident because of bad luck? Is God punishing us now? If God gives punishment then why would I love God?

My parents stayed in the hospital for two years, trying to recover. I was lucky: I escaped serious injury but couldn’t walk for six months because of psychological trauma! That’s when I started to read books and keep a diary for the questions I had; I couldn’t talk to other children because these questions meant nothing to them. Eventually, my father left hospital but my mother never recovered. When she passed away, I remember how the two words ‘inquiry’ and ‘rebellion’ were united within me.

Later, during my teenage years, I found it difficult to communicate with my father in the home so I wrote letters to him expressing myself. I guess what pushed me into writing was the need to understand myself and to express all that I have inside, uncensored. The reason I became a writer is because of this urgent need to express myself during my lonely, step-by-step journey, to exist as a woman.

In 2011, as an author and playwright living in Istanbul, I wrote an absurd play called Mi Minor. In 2013 the Gezi Park protests started in Istanbul, before spreading throughout Turkey. The creative team of our production became the target of a hate campaign and accusations of inspiring an attempted coup d’etat, through our play. For three nightmare months, we were trapped in our own house. Fearing for our lives, myself and the lead actress of the play, left Turkey and our loved ones behind, bound for Wales with a single suitcase between us.

In 2019 the Turkish court accepts the Gezi Indictment seeking life sentences for sixteen people including me because of the Gezi protest and Mi Minor. Two years after we moved to Wales my partner, who had still been living in Turkey and I got married. In the month of our marriage, we discovered my husband had brain cancer. Surgeries, chemotherapies, radiotherapies followed but I lost him within a year. I visited him over that period but wasn’t able to go to his funeral because of new accusations against us. This was a huge turning point in my life. I lost my husband. I lost my trust in people. I lost my savings to pay for his care. I lost everything.

During those times I thought of putting an end to my life many times. I started walking every day for five or six hours. Geese became my best friends and my remedy.  I walked for months. I walked and walked everywhere, in the mountains, in the valleys, at the seaside, not only in Cardiff, in North Wales, Mid Wales, and in South Wales.

These walks had a transformative effect inside me. I had discovered a way to live as a woman who had learned to accept herself, rather than a shattered and a lost woman.

Wales wrapped me, hugged me, talked to me like a mother during the most difficult time in my life. For this reason, knowing how nature helped to transform me, I want to share my transformation with other people via this blog.


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